To my most precious baby that I have yet to conceive
I have always wanted you;
not necessarily ‘right now’, but I’ve dreamt of having you one day… I picked out your name before I even knew a man. I thought you were on your way multiple times in the last 15 years, and I’m so grateful you never were; turns out he wasn’t the daddy God has picked for you. I knew that I wanted to really live life out before I brought you here, but it hasn’t always been easy. There is a tempting voice that comes every now and then that tries to convince me to just bring you here regardless of circumstances…
and it was indeed tempting, many times…
Having you would automatically elevate my life’s purpose in the eyes of others. Being a ‘mom’ naturally draws out respect and grace from others in this tough world. Upon conception, it’s all about the mom-to-be for a season; all of her friends are so excited (or pretend to be), throwing parties, buying stuff, and dreaming of how cute you will be when you arrive. Having you gives moms the right to focus 100% of their time, love, and attention on only YOU for a season (and rightfully so!) Bonding with you is an experience laced with dopamine and satisfaction that is simply addicting to many.
There are so many times in my life that I would have loved to just give up on all of my dreams, my purpose on this planet, and the vision I have been given for our family’s heritage. There were times in which everything within me was screaming to do what my body was designed to do: bring new life into the world.
When it drops in, the urge is glamorized in a woman’s mind.
The idea fogs out any voice of reason that would ask logical questions relating to partnership, purpose, time, money, responsibility, and life-phase leaving only the shiny idea of joy brought by a perfect new baby. But just because this longing presents itself doesn’t mean it’s right; I had to actively take my thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and remind myself that I will never settle. With God there are no shortcuts, and I have decided to choose His way.
I have had partners who wanted children with me, but our relationship never progressed to the point in which I wanted to entrust them with that gift. There were times when you could have possibly shown up; we definitely weren’t “trying” but we weren’t exactly “not trying” either… But by the grace of God, you never came. I have always had an intentional dream of being able to tell you that you are here on purpose, not just in God’s plan, but our plan too. I can’t wait to tell you that the moment we found out we were expecting you was a moment filled with complete and utter joy, excitement, and deep peace. Gratefully, God has honored this dream of mine thus far despite my shortcomings.
Yes, I could have had you each time my heart yearned for you… The times I could just *see* you in the arms of my loved ones; especially your gramma, who is waiting ever-so-patiently for you and loves you deeply.
Sure, I could have brought you here to give myself a reason to pause my pursuit of my unique, Divine Purpose… because pursuing Divine Purpose is not celebrated by many… it’s an invisible battle, in which you and only you can continue pressing in to discover the next step to take. It’s exhausting, empowering, and exhilarating; and did I mention exhausting? Bringing you into the world would have been a great ‘out’ to finishing, or placing on ‘hold’, parts of my race… It would have been an ‘out’ that few would have even noticed. But there was always one thing that stopped me from cutting corners to get to you:
I love you too much.
I love you so much that I push aside my desires to have you when my heart yearns for you, because I’ve made you a promise.
I love you so much I want you to be born into a safe and stable home, with two parents who are committed to loving God, loving each other, and loving you, forever.
I love you so much I want you to have a daddy who is a warrior; decisively committed to his calling, committed to me, and committed to you.
I love you so much, your daddy will be a man who draws love straight from the Source, so his fountain will never run dry for you. He will be a man who lives by the standard of Divine Love, not the standard of how he feels at any given moment.
I love you enough to be alone right now.
I love you enough to run the gauntlet to become the woman who will be the best mother I can be… I will be the woman who your daddy has been looking for all along. We will teach you how to pursue your God with all your heart, mind, and strength. Because in this process I have been weak, and my God makes me strong. I have tried it my way and found His is always better. I will carry on in my pursuit of purposeful grace, so the truth is, you won’t be here anytime soon… maybe never…
But either way, because I love you,
I will wait,